Sunday, April 23, 2006

But when the focus is gone....

An evening with Mom. A very frustrating, sad, sad, sad night.

"What do I do to get ready to go there?"

"I'm so scared of being alone."

"I slept down in the basement last night."

"Will anyone come here? Are they all gone?"

What if ....?"

And on and on and on and on. A constant struggle. No matter how much I simplified the situation:

  • You live here in your apartment.
  • This is an apartment building where lots of people have their own apartments.
  • You have 24-hours of care -- you are never alone.
  • You are dreaming these bad things you fear.
  • Your room is here, nowhere else but here.

But it doesn't sink in. The fear-producing dreams win. The frustration is so deep - for both of us. It's an endless loop of circles. It's just so ....!!!!!

And she could hang on physically for a long time, if she can hold her weight. Which I don't think she can. Inside I have been saying, have said Good-bye.

I wonder how my brother will deal with his lack of involvement at her ending time. He has not been here for her. And when she's gone, she's gone. I'm lucky by comparison. But he only has to make a slight effort. And the effort seems still to be too much. Without judgment, I have compassion for his pain and his need to escape.

I would like him to step up for himself -- even more than for her. She forgets. And the forgetting is expanding to deeper and wider levels each day. I think she's headed over to the dark side. I've said, maybe going to the dark side where she remembers nothing -- where she isn't aware of her slippage, where she remembers none of her life -- would be best.

But what I see is not the quiet dark side where she is in a place of non-commital peace, but in a place of fear and foreboding. A place where her lack of involvement in the world judges her to be inadequate. A place where she feels unworthy -- her greatest dread.

Oh, my Mommy. I miss you so.